The Climb

To even sit down and write about loneliness causes my thoughts to go fuzzy. The energy that can distance me from Truth is strong. It's safer to remain in the dark, better to just feel lonely and muscle through it by pursing validation out in the world, than to investigate and tenderly hold my desires for belonging and a life well lived. 

This is how it begins...if I let life's Love go unrequited, I believe my Love goes unrequited.

This is a subtle and familiar suffering. It's a depth of loneliness that's been a long-time coming. When I'm telling life to be different (better, more, slower, faster, less, lighter) I'm missing the True offering (and its continuum of fulfillment). I guess I can rest assured I'm a good American by continuously and unconsciously trying to change things and/or myself. Bring on the better...fill in the blank...house, love, body, job. Undertones of I'm doing it wrong or you're not enough are in the mix. It's not too much to say it's a constant checks and balance of, how can I get without giving too much? How can I acquire without being too exposed? Can I be willing to be vulnerable, but in a controlled way?

Truth is hard to dupe though. I feel it in my body and it communicates through images. The most recent image is of a deep sandstone canyon focused in my torso with a slow-moving river at the bottom. It's an old canyon, just as my feelings of loneliness feel old and familiar. I'm climbing out. It's taking time. And taking dedicated work, and a hard hat, and a strong headlamp. I do see light above. The canyon was my home for a long time.

I don't know when I first moved into the canyon of unseen, yet that home served a purpose for a time. The message I get when I investigate and inquire about this sensation and image is that I was safe there, able to morph and package myself into a way that seemed more easily received by the world. (Yet, really, isn't me in all my honesty the only thing the world can understand?) I gave it a thorough shot. The aftermath of suppressing Truth and disassociating from Truth leads to feelings of being lost and alone rather than safe in the canyon.

Yet, when in this place of feeling unseen and unloved, hiding becomes the habitual and familiar solution. It kept me from the effort of climbing to Truth. The habit of rejecting my birthright enoughness doesn't fade swiftly, it hangs on kicking and screaming sometimes.

I'm alive. Therefore I belong. To believe otherwise is simply untrue. Follow what's True. Keep climbing.

A scenic walk in the Greenbelt helps on days when the cry for Love to cover loneliness is loud. Upon arrival I assault the trees with a monsoon of thoughts. Green always holds space for the wildness of mind. I realize I don't push away the greenbelt. I don't tell it to be different, don't tell the trees to be more or less. The habit of seeking is something I reserve for myself and humanity. Here, I take what I'm given, follow the path, turn when it twists and trust the leader. Practice of being fine the way I am, as I am, without hiding, disassociating, or inflating. Here, by the water, I offer my need to be different. I pray to soften my clinch of control. I pray to recognize enough.

I offer my need for validation from outside myself. Yes, it's a sweet balm to the wound, but's it's not the magic elixir. Yes, I'm human and the desire for human-love is real and valid. Yet, right now, the call is to investigate the well that can only be tapped from within, even if other parts of me are kicking and screaming. I must notice how life is manifesting in order to find the deep sense of belonging. It manifests often on a path of solitude these days and I often take my loneliness to places of quiet. It feels natural and eventually soothing, though counterintuitive when contemplating profound aloneness. My soul seems to be asking me to come back to this deep place and rest in the subtle sense of belonging that springs from within. My soul is asking for trust in this and allegiance to the call. When I desire so strongly for life to manifest another to tell me everything about me is perfect and welcome I sink into loneliness. Yes, I thirst for that drink, yet I know there is something sustainable to be experienced. I can shift my attention to my experience of life within arms reach. It's a repurposing of my inner canyon. Moving from a place of protection to an ever-present spring of Love, Attention and Home. Wound restored to Well. Where needs are welcomed and met. Inspired and expressed. The view of the canyon from the top reveals an expanse that takes my breath away, and from up here I can feel the wind that fills me with my next breath. 

When I wish life to be different I fold inward. When I believe I'm not getting what I want I withhold the Love from the world. A deep yearning is to Love life as it is, to rest into the arms of life, knowing it is as it should be. To make an offering of my wants and dare to offer my honest Love. 

 

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All in the same tank